There is a screaming need today for a new translation of the Bible, one set in the popular American vernacular. Today we have paraphrases, translations, and revisions almost too numerous to count, but none of them seem to catch enough relevance to retain the attention of the modern reader.
I believe so strongly in this that I have decided to take on the project of a new translation. In fact, I already have some verses ready for print, and I want to provide the readers of this column with a few examples.
“Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.” (James 1:19)
“I’m lower than a snake’s belly in a wheel rut.” (Matthew 26:38)
“But Dad! Everybody else is doing it!” (I Samuel 8:5)
“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” (Ezekiel 13:11)
“ROTFLOL!!!” (Genesis 17:17)
“If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it still might not be a duck.” (Matthew 7:15)
"It's time for a break." (Genesis 2:2-3)
"Stupid is as stupid does." (Matthew 7:20)
"Get 'er done!" (Mark 16:15)
"A pox on both your houses." (Matthew 16:6)
“It wasn't all hakuna matata.” (Ecclesiastes 7:10)
"You're either all in or all out." (Revelation 3:15)
"Who in the hell are YOU?" (Matthew 5:23)
“Don't mess with the chicken while it's still laying eggs.” (Deuteronomy 22:6)
So what do you think of my idea? And oh yeah – I’m not really making a new translation. It’s all a joke. But I made you look. (Acts 17:11)
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